Monday Meltdown – 29 July 2013

Well… I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

The Super Rugby semi finals were played out in remarkable fashion, with the reigning premiers doing to the Crusaders what the Crusaders have been doing to the rest of the competition at the pointy end of the season and completely breaking their hearts in one of the best games of rugby for the year.  In a close fought match which saw the Crusaders look like they were going to ensure the final would not be played in the Chlamydia Triangle for the second year running, we learned to (a) never write off the Chiefs, particularly at home, (b) a week off can do a world of good, and (c) you should all listen to me instead of bookies when it comes to picking Super Rugby finals results.

But the weirdest was yet to come, with the Bulls trying to out-dumb the Brumbies at Loftus – and succeeding.  I’m still at a loss as to why any team which boasts one of the best kickers in the world would not opt to take points in a penalty situation once, let alone twice, LET ALONE THREE TIMES, but then again, I’m also at a loss to figure out how people can drive around a city with blue balls hanging off their car and actually be proud of it.  On the plus side, it is nice to know that a country that was founded for convicts still has the ability 200 odd years later to steal things in broad daylight out from under the unsuspecting noses of the victims.  In this game, we learned (a) forget that the Brumbies lost to the Force and drew with the Kings, (b) a week off means nothing, and (c) you should never listen to me when it comes to picking Super Rugby finals results.

Which leads us to this weekend, with a final that seems appropriate – the best Australian team for the year playing the best New Zealand team for the year.  Sigh; and people say the conference system doesn’t work.

The Lions won their promotion/relegation match against the Southern Kings Friday night which almost certainly sees them coming back into Super Rugby next year.  I’ve missed the Lions – but it will be sad to see the Kings go.  Wait a minute, those bastards beat us at AAMI Park earlier this year.  Ah, stuff ’em; they can go.

For those of you that read Friday’s edition, I managed to tip you into a winner with the Bletchingly Stakes – you can thank me later – and would like to remind you that the appropriate thing would be presents at my office.  Biltong most welcome. *hint, hint*

Down in South Africa, Dave Warner made news – again – for being a twat – again – and back in England, Australia managed to salvage a draw against Sussex, which at the moment, is cause for celebration.  Let’s look at the positives from this: most of our A squad was rested (ignore the fact it was a county cricket match); no Aussie players were arrested (that we know of); we didn’t lose (which would really be the icing on the cake) and we managed to have a weekend free of losing an Ashes test.  For all of you that aren’t quite sure whether or not there is a supreme being that oversees everything, this is proof enough that at least there is something in the universe that has mercy.

Lewis Hamilton won the Hungarian GP which only reiterated the current British dominance in world sport, but I’m rationalising this by remembering that Britain created so many different sports, none of which they were any good at for many years, so it’s about time they started to learn how to play their own sports and beat the countries that they taught.  See?  That thought makes it almost bearable, doesn’t it?

In the AFL, the country held it’s breath as it appeared that the new boys to the competition, GWS Giants, might actually pip Collingwood, but alas it was not to be.  That said, the youngsters showed more heart and commitment than a Kardashian marriage, so it can’t be too far away before they get a victory.

It’s still carnage down at Bomber Land, both on and off the field, and it really can’t be too long before it blows up to mammoth proportions.  The stress finally got to David Evans over the weekend when he announced his resignation effective immediately and for his sake, I hope the damage to his health isn’t permanent.  I also hope the damage to the health of the football players that were unknowingly injected with substances isn’t permanent either, but let’s leave it at that, shall we?

With only a few weeks to go before the EPL season kicks off, Luis Suarez’s body language is being eyed off more than a new magazine in a pornography store and it seems that every movement indicates his intentions for season 2014. “Oh look, he’s frowning – HE’S UNHAPPY AND LEAVING LIVERPOOL.” “Oh look, he’s smiling – HE’S HAPPY AND STAYING WITH LIVERPOOL.” “Oh look, he crossed the road. HE MUST HAVE SEEN PATRICE EVRA.” etc, etc.  The transfer rumours are out in force, and although Arsenal appear to be keen on picking up Suarez, I’m not sure that he won’t be staying with Liverpool.  Let’s face it, other clubs may think he’s a prick, but he’s an incredible player when he’s not being racist, being a flog or biting people.

The swimming world championships kicked off – yes, let’s discuss swimming, something we’re actually remotely good at sometimes – and it was with great sadness that Ian Thorpe announced his retirement from competitive swimming.  I’m glad – given he hadn’t made any decent appearance for about two years, I just naturally assumed he already had, but there you go.  Not everything is what it seems.

The East Asian Cup concluded with Australia at the bottom of the pack; not really what we wanted in the lead up to Brazil next year, but who hasn’t lost to Southern China? Oh, that’s right.  Most people.

It’s all good vibes this week though – the third test from Old Trafford has rolled around and we’ve uncovered another teenage prodigy (if by prodigy, I mean player) in young Ashton Turner, who made his first class debut and will surely be in the Ashes test captaining the side.

What? What do you mean that wasn’t in the Argus review?  SINCE WHEN DO WE DECIDE TO FOLLOW A REPORT WE PAID SO MUCH MONEY FOR ANYWAY?

Okay, okay, it’s too early in the week to get angry about cricket.  Here’s to a good one.



About Mindy Pawsey

Overly passionate Aussie sportswriter who holds as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong, as many Rugby World Cups as Quade Cooper and has lost less Ashes series than Ricky Ponting. You offer me biltong, I promise I'm yours.
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