Batfist of the Week – 18 July 2013

The silly, the ridiculous, the “what the hell” and the downright pornographic in sport… that’s what Batfist is all about, really.

With a huge few days of sport ahead, let’s roll straight into this week’s nominations:

Honourable Mention – Baron Davis (United States of America) (Basketball)

It’s the off season. Ideally, the off season is when players are meant to have their quiet time and stay out of the papers, recuperating and doing pre-season training in an attempt to come out all guns blazing for the first round. Perhaps someone should tell Baron Davis that.

The New York Knicks player believes he had a close encounter of the third kind on a drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, where he was kidnapped by aliens.  Right.

“Driving, driving and the next thing you know there’s a steel thing and these crazy looking people – half human, half ugly-looking mother f***ers… poking me on the nose, looking at my eyes…”

After being freed from his “experience”, Davis drove into a burger joint in an attempt to get over his ordeal.

Now, a few things:

*  I can think of several scenarios where all I want is a burger, and alien abduction is not one of them;

*  If he describes the aliens as “ugly-looking mother f***ers”, I find it more plausible that he was on an end of season trip; and

*  Lay off the whacky tobaccy, Baron.

Third place – Steve Finn (England) (Cricket)

The hype surrounding the first Ashes test certainly proved worthwhile, with many twists and turns along the way ultimately leading to an English victory by a mere 14 runs.  Whilst the bowling attack of Australia was attempting to salvage the test with both the ball and the bat, England appeared to have their own double agent in the field by way of Steve Finn.

You have to feel slightly sorry for Finn who, at the death, managed to go for a mere 20 runs off one over.  Ordinarily, not that big an issue; except when your team is defending about forty runs to prevent a mammoth defeat, it’s not ideal.

Finn went on to have difficulty in the field as well, when losing sight of the ball in one of the nine hundred pitches which had been mown into the oval at Trent Bridge, much to the delight of the crowd.

If there was ever a man relieved that their team achieved victory, it was probably Finn.  Perhaps next time, the yips won’t be so bad.

If he played for anyone but England, I’d perhaps feel sympathy. But no. So hahahahahahahahahaha!

Second place – Manchester United (England) (Football)

Oh, Man U.  Coined the greatest team in the world by some, yet the team so many love to hate; although this week, they gave us reason to laugh as well.

With their Asia and Pacific tour underway, Sir Alex Ferguson but a memory and David Moyes leading the charge, United’s matches leading up to the start of the English Premier League kick-off were merely shaping as a run around before the big stuff, a chance to get some miles into the legs and a little match fitness.  Surely, one of the world’s best would have no trouble in destroying their opposition?


In Moyes’ first match as manager, he faced the formidable (ha!) opponent of the treacherous football powerhouse, Thailand, in a pre-season friendly at Rajamangala Stadium against a Singha All-Star XI.

What exactly transpired out there, I still am not clear on.

Ultimately though, the end result wound up being Singha All-Star XI (1) d Manchester United (0).


One can only assume that Moyes’ game plan was to lower expectations for the forthcoming season so low, that in the end, no one can actually be disappointed.

I mean, seriously. What the hell is that all about? SINGHA ALL-STAR XI??

Perhaps the players were distracted about the Rooney transfer rumours.  Perhaps it was the Thai heat.  Perhaps they had visitors at their hotels.  Perhaps they were just completely mucking around and not caring.  Or perhaps, heaven help us, they actually lost.

Moyes should probably be thankful it isn’t Chelsea; he’d already be unemployed.

Winner – Batfist of the Week – Wati Holmwood (Australia) (NRL)

Yes, it was a twist completely out of the ordinary, but with one of the closest Origin series in years, where it actually looked possible that NSW could finally win, the dying minutes were tense at ANZ Stadium.

Queensland had momentum, they had the ball, they had…. A NAKED GUY ON THE PITCH.

Wati Holmwood decided that the match needed some “interest” added to it, greased himself up with Vaseline (there’s some forethought and planning for you right there), ran (or perhaps “waddled” is more appropriate) out onto the pitch and straight into the play.

With the douchebag radar levels beeping off the charts, Holmwood fell over his own feet, was promptly set upon by numerous security and escorted off the ground – but not before a potential match-winning try to Queensland was cancelled.


(Photo: Brisbane Times)

* Note – Yes. My eyes were permanently destroyed on Wednesday, so you can all suffer the same fate. *

Now, despite the obvious question of “how did he get that far?” it turns out that Holmwood has actually streaked at an NRL game before, yet was still allowed entry into the stadium.

The incident raised a few questions and points (and given his nudity, excuse the tongue in cheek):

*  If you’re sitting next to a guy who strips off all of his clothes, lubes up and runs, at what point does one find this odd?

*  Origin needs more Andrew Symonds;

*  Good running gear does not necessitate good running style;

*  NSW security tackle as poorly as NSW; and

*  Please never again allow for Origin to be shown in high definition.

So for being a complete wankspanner, congratulations Wati Holmwood, you are today’s winner of Batfist of the Week.

About Mindy Pawsey

Overly passionate Aussie sportswriter who holds as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong, as many Rugby World Cups as Quade Cooper and has lost less Ashes series than Ricky Ponting. You offer me biltong, I promise I'm yours - and PC isn't my thing. Follow me on Twitter at @MKPS001.
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1 Response to Batfist of the Week – 18 July 2013

  1. Please don’t use “tongue in cheek” when there’s a photo of a chunky, naked guy’s butt.

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